The Redemption of My Beach Vacation

I love the beach. I know, everyone does. But really, I mean it. Like it does something to my soul. I went on my first family beach trip when I was three. My family had started going years before that. I have quite a few memories of that trip, but the ones that stand out are throwing sand in my brother's eyes, and the smell of crab boiling in our beach house. That smell caused my mother, sisters and I to go to McDonald's for supper. Even though those seem like negative memories, I look back on it fondly. When I was a teen, we started going with my aunt and uncle and their kids. We were always so excited to go. As soon as we crossed the Baldwin County line, we were rolling down our windows to see if we could smell the ocean. Just past Montgomery, we would look for the beautiful Spanish moss growing in the live oak trees, because that meant we were that much closer to our beloved beach. I would sniff my swimsuits after coming back to see how many washings the salt smell would make it through. We would watch our vacation videos over and over again, as if they were Oscar worthy. The last beach trip I went on with my family was when I was 18. I remember laughing until I couldn't breathe, every single day, several times a day. My dad found out he had cancer just about 6 months later. We never went to the beach together again. My dad loved the beach and ocean more than anyone I know. He would just stand by himself and look at it for what seemed like hours. Going to the beach after he passed was painful. A year after he passed away, I went on my honeymoon to the beach. We had a great time, but if I allowed myself to be still for too long, to think about it too much, it hurt. The years went by, and I still went to the beach, but it was never the same. Then my aunt died of cancer, then my grandmother died, then my cousin who was like my brother, was killed in a car accident. Years later, my uncle died. Over the years, my cousins and I drifted apart. Mostly only in physical proximity, but life has handed some of these people a lot of heartbreak. I continued to go to the beach, but there was always something missing.
After quitting my job to stay home and raise babies, money for beach vacations has been scarce. Seven years after our last beach vacation, and four years since even laying eyes on it, we had the opportunity to spend a week in a beachfront condo in Perdido Key. I felt like I was seeing an old, best friend, that I had missed very much. I wanted to get down and kiss the sand. I found myself just standing around, drinking it all in, like someone else I knew long ago. Seeing my kids enjoy it made me feel like it had all come full circle. This time when sadness tried to come, all I could do was smile at the memories of back then, and smile at the new memories being made with my own children. My daddy sure would have enjoyed my kids, especially taking them to the beach. I know he would be pleased that I am carrying on the Smith family beach tradition. Ahhh....do you smell that?

Identity Crisis

I have been spending some time thinking of all the titles I hold, some by choice, some not. I have been thinking of what each one means, what responsibilities and joys they hold. I am a wife, a mother, a daughter, a sister, a daughter in law, a sister in law. I am a cousin and a niece. An aunt. I used to be a granddaughter, but all of my grandparents have passed away. I am a friend. I have been a student many years of my life. A teacher. A congregant. I have been a sales rep. I am often times a customer and/or patron.
The question is, is my identity found in any of these? My self worth or value? Some of these titles give me the most joy on this earth I'll ever feel. But if I put all my value on being a wife, and my husband and I argue, does that make me less valuable? If I put all all my value on being a mother, and my children get angry at me, or are disobedient, does that make me less valuable? Or if I lose my temper with my children? Even worse, if someone ends up divorced or estranged from their children, does that change their worth? If someone has a falling out with their parents or siblings, are they less valuable as a person? Or what if they don't know their parents? What if they were abandoned? If I am selling, and I have a "bad sales day" to quote Miss Hattie from Despicable Me, am I all of a sudden the worst salesperson on the planet? The worst person on the planet? Some of us put a LOT of value on being  a customer/patron=CONSUMER. If I have this, if I spend that....then I matter.
None of these things are bad in and of themselves. But if I place my value as a human being on those things, at some point, my value is going to come into question.
What about my relationship with God? If I am a great Christian, and pray and read my Bible every day and never sin or act un-Christian like, am I more worthy of His love? The answer is a resounding NO. If my relationship with God depends on what I can do for Him, boy am I in trouble. My right standing with Him has nothing to do with me, and everything to do with Him. He gives my value. I have value in Him. He loves me, that makes me valuable. There is nothing I can ever do to be less in His eyes. Nothing He can ever do to put Himself in a position to love me less.
So, this is an important question. Who or what are you allowing to give you your identity?

Too Sensitive?

I struggled about whether to write this blog. I am still so blown away by what I'm about to tell you, and it feels like such a very intimate experience between me and the Lord, and very personal to me as it is about my child. However, I feel as if someone out there needs to hear about it.
My five year old son is a delight to me. He is also a complex, sensitive little fellow to say the least. He feels everything much more deeply than the average bear. If a seam in his sock rubs his toe, the socks come off. If the music is too loud at church, he covers his ears and scowls. He is brutally honest, but at the same time will cry if he thinks I'm mistreating one of his sisters. He is a feeler, to say the least. And sometimes trying to make sure that he gets the teaching and discipline he needs, without him feeling like he is being steamrolled or misunderstood, is more of a task than this momma is up to. I pray. A lot. A few days ago, he was having a meltdown about something seemingly small to me, but big to him. And I'm not even sure it started out as a real prayer.."Dear Lord...". But you know what? Even in my exasperation, He heard. And He answered. I felt His presence, and at the same time saw, in my mind, a man. I knew it was Samuel. Very handsome, if I do say so myself. He was worshiping the Lord with everything in him. Full of passion for God. I heard Him say, "While he is a child, you are molding and shaping him. My Holy Spirit is also working in him. I will temper his passion into a passion for Me." It was very quick, but so, so powerful.
Yesterday, I all of a sudden had a memory from when Samuel was about two years old. I had several incidences where I looked at him and immediately heard the word "passion" in my spirit. When I realized that I was hearing that even before this aspect of his temperament presented itself so obviously, I was totally humbled and blown away by the Lord and His goodness.
So, to those of you who have been told you are too sensitive. Feel too much. Feel too deeply. You have been told you are too intense. God made you that way. He wants you to focus it on Him, and His heart for His people. Don't get me wrong. God gave us our feelings, but He never intended for them to rule us. We do have to have discipline in our lives, and also live by the truth of His word. But He created you with that passion. The passion to love Him with no holds barred. To do something amazing. To go after God and His plans when all hell rages against you. You are beautifully created, friend.

Survival Kit: Grace and a Sense of Humor

Do you ever think to yourself, "Man, I am really messing this up!"? I think it fairly often. I used to think it even more than I do now. However, in the last year, I have become more aware than ever of grace. I have even learned to see the humor in my humanity. In the last couple of weeks, there have been incidents involving my children that have reminded me of how far I have to go, yet at the same time, provided me with a laugh at my own expense. I homeschool my oldest, and we include Bible in our course of study. One day, I asked Samuel to join us. I sat down with the lesson, and they joined me on the couch. Sort of. They were up and down, talking to each other. It went something like this: "1 Corinthians 13:4- Love is patient, love...SIT DOWN AND LISTEN!!" I immediately felt pretty ashamed of myself, but managed to finish the lesson with any major mishaps. A little while later I recounted the incident to a friend, and hearing it come out of my mouth, realized how funny it was. I began to laugh, and Lauren overhearing it, got hysterically tickled. I did apologize to the kids, but was thinking how amazing it is that God had grace for me in that situation, but so did my kids. That same day, we had plans to go to a rodeo parade. My 5 year old is somewhat of an introvert, and would rather sit home most days, playing video games or legos. I had already told them we were going, so when my request to get shoes on and get in the car was met with a near meltdown on his part, I snapped, "We cannot sit at home all the time! We are going to have fun!" I immediately realized how ridiculous it was. We're going to have fun, and you're going to like it! He looked at me like I was crazy. Time to breathe and count to 10.
Some days...well, most days...are so crazy. I am so used to my skin and clothes being wet, thanks to the infant in my house, that I wouldn't know what to do if I was dry. Spit, snot, food, milk, you name it. This child throws a back arching, head rearing fit when I try to wipe her nose with a tissue, yet when I pick her up, the first thing she does is wipe her nose on my shirt. On purpose. I am still breastfeeding the fit thrower, and at almost one year, with seven teeth, it's like nursing a bear trap. Today, she fell and hurt herself. She cried loudly and with passion. She has been teething and has a mild cold, and on top of that wouldn't nap today. I picked her up to soothe and calm her, and she wanted to nurse, as most babies do when they need comforting. I began to nurse her only to realize she had a poopy diaper. I knew if I quit nursing to change her diaper, she would have a meltdown of epic proportions, so what does any nearly crazy, but just sane enough mother who needs a stinkin' break do? I nursed her. Guess what she did? Went to sleep. Slack jawed, snoring, drooling sleep. Guess what I did? Held her. Partly for the quiet that I needed. Partly for the nap I knew she desperately needed. But also partly so I could study the contours of her sweet little forehead, nose and lips. So I could look at her long eyelashes and feel her sweet warmth against me. And drool. Don't forget the drool. (And a not so nice smell) At that moment, I thought to myself how thankful I am for God's grace. How thankful that my children show grace to their mother who is less than stellar at times. Then I realized that the biggest surprise is the grace I have developed for myself. And in the words of Nacho Libre, my life is guuud. Reeeelly guuud.

Breakin' The Law

I have begun to think that legalism must come to us naturally. I like to think I am not legalistic. Yes, the thoughts come to me, as I'm sure they do a lot of us. However, it's not what I live by. I try really hard not to communicate to my children that we're living under the law. But based on what I've heard coming out of their mouths, maybe I have some work to do.
Twice in the last few months, riding down the road, my five year old son has made comments that broke my heart. I can't remember all of the first conversation. In the second one, he said, "Mom, I want to pick you some flowers." I, of course, melted and said, "You do?" He said, "Yes. I want to pick you some flowers so you'll love me more." My heart sank. My first thought was, "Do I not love him enough? Does he not feel loved?" I asked him, "Sam, do you not think that I already love you?" He answered that he knew I did. I then explained to him that nothing he could ever do for me or to me would make me love him less or more. That made him happy. Then I explained that God is the same way, only more so, because His love is perfect. We can never escape His love.
Just a few days ago in the car, again not sure exactly what we were discussing (we have some good conversations in the car), Lauren made the remark that we are all sinners. Indeed Romans 3:10 says, "There is no one righteous, not even one". However, 2 Corinthians 5:21 says, "God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God." I explained that to Lauren, and she said "Yes, I know that. But compared to God, we are horrible." I want her to understand that yes, God is awesome and majestic and worthy, and we can never come close to being Him. But I also want her to understand that when He looks at us, He sees righteousness. Another opportunity came when reading her bedtime story to her. A character in the book said that she wanted to something, "so that I can earn more grace." I said, "Huh? Lauren...if we have to earn it, it isn't grace." She said, very confidently "I know." So maybe I'm not doing too badly after all. My prayer is that the Holy Spirit fills in the gaps where I miss it. Meditating on the subject of law vs grace the other day, this is what the Lord spoke to my heart: He is calling me to a place where I have and show more grace for others than ever before, while at the same time, calling me to a place of more personal holiness and integrity than ever before. I think that's how it has to work. Man, isn't He good.

Get Real

Tuesday night I hosted my Mom's Encounter Group at my house. Jeremy agreed to take the older kids out for some fun. I had this image of my guests arriving to my clean, quiet serene home where they smell yummy food and comforting candles, and hear worship music playing. Reality: I forgot to put my CD in until the guests had already begun to arrive, forgot the candles altogether, Libby had dumped 2 baskets of toys in the middle of the living room floor, and the best part was that Jeremy and the kids didn't leave until the ladies started getting there. The garage door was wide open, and we all know what most of our garages look like. And Sam was crying. I started to feel embarrassed and stressed, but then I sort of got tickled. I told the ladies, "This is real life." We had a great time. And nobody cared about any of that stuff. Probably an hour into the meeting,  there was a knock at the door and a friend let herself in. She was dressed in sweats and commented on the fact that she wasn't dressed for the meeting,  and brought no food, because she wasn't expecting to get to come. She ended up being able to drop in for an hour or so. She said she knew it was ok because we loved her. I just thought,  "You know, it isn't that my home and children are perfect,  or anyone else's in the group.  But we have love for each other." They will know us by our love for each other. Find yourself a group, small or large, doesn't matter. What matters is that you're real with them, and they're real with you. You can talk about the hard stuff. You can show each other grace. You can do life together. It's vital.

For the Socially Inept

I grew up thinking that because I had been taught manners and grace, that everyone had. Since it has become apparent to me that this isn't true, I am going to help some of you less fortunate than I out. Here is is a list of questions/topics that are off limits, mostly.
1. Money. Do not ask people how much money they make. Unless it is VERY relevant. As in you are applying for their job. Do not tell people how much money you make. Unless...well, see above. Do not ask how much someone spent on something they purchased, unless you are in the market for one yourself. Not so you can say to your spouse and other friends, "You won't believe how much Leroy and Cludie May paid for that above ground pool. You know how many Elvises on Velvet down at the flea market  that woulda bought?" Do not brag about how much you spent on something, or how much a gift cost.
2. Pregnancy/fertility. Unless you are 100% sure someone is pregnant, do not ask them when they're due. Do not ask them, "So, you're done right? No more babies?". Do not ask if they know what causes it. Do not ask a childless couple when they are going to have babies. Do not ask if they were trying to. An unnamed woman I know once told someone in response to that question, "Well, we were trying to have sex. Is that what you meant?"
3. Child-rearing choices. Do not assure someone they are making a terrible mistake when they tell you decisions they've made regarding their children. "What?! Your baby is sleeping with you? You're making a terrible mistake!". No, a terrible mistake would be to let them play with snakes. I'm sure they'll be fine.
4. Ok, this is a little off topic, but for the love, when someone is merging or changing lanes, and you have another lane, would you move over?!
Ok, that was fun. Feel free to name some of your own in the comments!

Call Out His Name

My favorite Bible verse is Isaiah 55:11, "so is my word that goes out from my mouth:
    It will not return to me empty,
but will accomplish what I desire
    and achieve the purpose for which I sent it."
I believe the Word of God is all powerful, trustworthy, and true. I also love these verses: 
In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. John 1:1-3. We can't separate God from His Word. Numbers 23:19 says, "God is not a man, that He should lie." I believe that if we want to know we're praying the perfect will of God, we can pray His Word. However, recently I was praying, and felt very convicted of something. I was exhausted, and to be honest, completely depleted spiritually. I don't remember what I was praying about, but I started throwing scripture around, and had the thought that I was using it like a magic spell. That if I spoke the right words, I could manipulate God. My heart was somewhere else. I then began to wonder if praying that way pleases God, and quickly felt Him speaking to my heart that I know His character from reading His Word. I know who He is, and through that, I know who I am. That I can ask in His name, because I am His and He loves me. Not because I am reciting the right words. He is good, and desires to give me good things. So, I realized that it is good to pray the Word of God, but that my relationship to Him is more important. I remembered back to a very scary occurrence. We were at a water park several years ago, and lost Lauren. We each thought she was with the other one. As soon as I realized what had happened, I took off my flip flops and began to run to the last place I had seen her. All I could get out was, "Jesus, Jesus, Jesus!". I got to the last pool we'd played in, and there she was, happily playing in the shallow end, hanging out with the lifeguard, talking her ear off. Thinking of this, I remembered how desperate and scared I felt, and that the first thing  I did was call out the name of my Jesus. He heard, and just like the song, he came to me. Speaking the Word into our situation, and believing it will come to pass is so important. But even more importantly, I know Who spoke those words to begin with. I know He loves me and my children. I know He is good. And He desires my complete attention and trust.