Come Down off that Ladder!

     Have you ever been talking to someone before or after a church service, when you notice them glancing around? Does it feel like they're scanning the crowd for someone more important to talk to? Could be your insecurity talking. Or you could be exactly right. When we hear the word elitism, we tend to think of the wealthy and powerful, the ones calling the shots, or in our minds, anyway. But the attitude exists all around us, in the most unlikely and ordinary places. 

    We've all known people who thought they were just a little better than others. We've seen it in politics and college football. Sort of kidding about the football...maybe. We've seen the big fish in the small towns who seem to run everything and get exactly what they want. We've seen politicians, already wealthy and some who just keep getting wealthier (how does that work again?), make decisions that had everything to do with themselves and nothing to do with their constituents. 

    We've seen it in people who just knew their political and/or religious views were superior to that of others. The patronizing tone of how they just didn't know, and how this is the only way. Of course, we all think we're right and others are wrong about these sorts of things, or we wouldn't believe the way we believe. However, how we treat others in the disagreements is very telling. Are you condescending and arrogant? Or have you learned how to state your opinion in confidence, but with compassion and respect for others? 

    The worst place an elitist attitude can exist is in the church. You see it the attitudes of Christians toward non-Christians. You see it across denominational lines, from what we think is so much more evolved, intelligent, holy, etc than that church over there, to even believing we are the only ones going to Heaven! I have certain things I look for in a church, and there is nothing wrong with that. However, it becomes foul smelling when I use my church membership to place myself higher in an imaginary hierarchy of Christianity. There may be things that other churches teach that I believe to be errant, but that doesn't mean the people in that church don't know the Lord, or that there may not be something I could learn from them. 

    Another way I see elitism rearing its ugly head inside the church is people seeking out church leadership for close friendships because it makes them look good or feel important. I call this Church Social Ladder Climbing. I do understand that if people are already in leadership roles together, or any other position where they work closely together, they naturally are going to have closer relationships. I also understand guarding our hearts and choosing those we associate with carefully. But when we prematurely judge based on social standing, we could be missing a huge blessing. When we use others to elevate ourselves, that reeks of insincerity and egotism. Sometimes, Christians can have the biggest entitlement issues. God exalts the humble and opposes the proud. Do not think more highly of yourselves than you ought. 

Peace, Love, and Jesus. 

PS: If you are leadership, don't act like a rock star who has to have a certain color of M&Ms backstage. 

Beach Musings

 In July, my family took a beach trip. Anyone who knows me very well, knows the beach is my very favorite place. If too much time goes by, I start to miss it like I would miss a person. I long for it. I'm always happy to be there, even for a short trip. 

However, any kind of an overnight (or longer) trip with children is more work than it is relaxation. Any of you with children already know this. Some families have decided it isn't worth it. To me it is. The effort put into the family time and memories made is a deposit into the hearts of your kids, and yours too. 

To further complicate a trip with kids in tow, as most of you know, our youngest child has autism. As far as being rigid with a schedule, as many children like her are, we don't have that issue much. For a kid with autism, she is about as easygoing and flexible as they come. She loves staying in condos and hotels, loves swimming, loves the family time. Thank God. However, in many other ways, she is pretty high maintenance. Think taking a large toddler on vacation. The sweet smiles are worth it, though. I've also come to realize that anxiety is a very common issue for parents of special needs children. I had experienced what I would call situational anxiety before, as we all have. However, I had not experienced the kind that just hangs around until Liberty entered our lives. I have begun to recognize it and learned how to better deal with it. Vacation, or any change, only exacerbates it in some ways. In order to be ready to deal with whatever caring for your child may throw at you, you will find yourself trying to be on top of and control every other outcome. That in itself can be exhausting. We all experience it differently. For me, it's making sure my to-do list is DONE. That everything is immediately put back in its place after use. Cleaning. Etc. You get the picture. Nothing left undone. For Jeremy, it looks more throwing himself into a project with the same perfectionism he's always had, but amped up even more. Or on trips, it looks like him plotting every single gas and bathroom stop into Google Maps. I tease him about this, because it is partly due to him being a guy and wanting to use every single tool and gadget on his phone and vehicle. He's the only person I know who will actually shift an automatic transmission into 2nd gear sometimes. 

With all that to deal with, a vacation mindset can be a difficult thing to establish for us. We have learned that vacations aren't going to be perfect. (Navarre Beach 2007, Jeremy's wallet getting stolen, we're looking at you.) But there can be perfect moments. The last day of our last trip, Jeremy took Lauren and Samuel deep sea fishing with some friends. I had no idea how Liberty would react to being on a fishing boat for four hours, and decided to hang back and take her to the beach. That day, there was the perfect mix of clouds and sun. The cloud cover made the air and water feel cool, then the sun would come out blazing and I would get a slight chill as my skin began to warm. The sound of the surf and the smell of the salt combined with that to give me the best sensory experience. I felt lost in the moment and could've stayed there forever. Those few hours were worth the trip, not to mention the other great moments we had. I've also noticed on vacation, especially the beach, my mind feels freer, wanders farther, dreams bigger. 

Another thing that has happened over the years as we started going back to the beach after a several year hiatus, is I've had some feelings of grief resolved. I've written about this before, but to catch you up, we used to take a big family beach vacation every year. My dad passed away in 1995, then I married in 1996. In the years since then, we also lost my aunt, my cousin, and then my uncle, all of whom would go on these trips with us. Going without them all hurt. Now when I go, I still miss them, but it also makes me feel closer to them. Like a part of them is there. It's been healing. Sometimes on the beach at night, I see the faraway glow of a cigarette or the faint smell of one being freshly lit. For just a second, I can hear my dad and uncle talking and laughing in low tones, see them casting and reeling, slowly. Like a dance between them and the Gulf, the whitecaps glowing in the light of the moon. On the mornings when my family goes on to the beach while I finish up the laundry, I smile and think of my mom and aunt. I thought they must be having a really boring time, but now I know they were having an extra glass of Coke or cup of coffee and enjoying the Gulf view from inside a quiet beach house.

This may not have flowed the best or had the best style of anything I've ever written, but it was from my heart, and I enjoyed it. I hope you do too. 

Boundaries

     Boundaries. A word we hear a lot, but maybe aren't sure what it really means or how to implement it in our own lives. Maybe you aren't even sure we should. Let me answer that for you. Yes. You should. 

    Early in my marriage, our church held a Sunday School class about boundaries. Our "text" book was Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. I was in my early 20s and had never in my life heard any of the information in that book. I joked with friends that I didn't think boundaries were invented until the 90s. I never realized before that "No" was a word I could use at my discretion. It was so freeing, that I began to use it often and maybe even constantly. Then I realized maybe I was going overboard, so I began to ask God to show me when to say yes and when to say no.  Obviously, I'm no expert. But I'd like to share a few things I've learned in the last 20+ years. 

    The people who are, indeed, experts, tell us that enabling others isn't love. It feels like love. It feels like doing the right thing. Helping others is what God wants us to do, right? Especially family and close friends. Not so fast. Doing for others what they should be doing for themselves isn't love. It teaches that person that we don't believe in them. It teaches them not to believe in themselves. 

    There are several different reasons people can't, or refuse to, set boundaries. Most of the time, it goes back to a time in childhood when they felt powerless to say no. False responsibility was put on that person. As adults, when we should know better, powerful and visceral emotions override our common sense and will to do right. As we grow up, we add our own wrong thinking to the things we were taught. Many times, there is a pay off of sorts to the enabler. They feel a sense of power when they "help" others. They are so steeped in fear, they believe they can control the outcome, by manipulating the circumstances, however they can. But we can never make right choices for other people. They have to do it themselves. In order to truly love others, we have to love ourselves enough to be emotionally healthy so when people do truly need us, we are able to be there. When the squeaky wheels in our lives, the ones we are codependent with get all our energy, other loveds ones, and ourselves, get the short end of the stick. Trauma bonds can cause blurry or non-existent boundaries. Just because you went through something hard with someone, or the same hard thing as someone else, doesn't make you the expert who has to step in when they don't take responsibility. Sometimes our boundary issues can come from others who have the same issues. Sometimes a person who has made it their mission to enable someone, will enlist you to help them enable that person. When you refuse, they will attempt to make you feel guilty. People who won't set boundaries, or feel powerless to, will resent you when you do. 

    Marriage is a separate issue I'd like to mention. Sometimes becoming one flesh looks an awful lot like enmeshment to some people. Becoming one simply means that a husband and wife have different strengths and weaknesses that complement and help make up for the lack in the other. It does not mean that one partner dominates the other until who they really are is squelched. 

    Since as I mentioned, I'm not the expert, I'd like to point you to some folks who are. Henry Cloud has written many books on boundaries, several of them along with John Townsend. I highly recommend reading Safe People to find out if you are one, and how to deal with those who aren't. Danny Silk, part of the Bethel Ministry in Redding, CA, is also great. You can follow these guys on social media, read their books, and visit their websites. They are all three wise, Christian men. Another great book is Codependent No More by Melodie Beattie. Hope this helps someone. 

    

A Glimpse Inside the Mind of a Night Owl

This is not my usual blog fare, but I felt inspired late last night. Or early this morning. Not sure if it's a poem, exactly. But whatever it is, here it is.

Do you ever look upon a moonless ocean, a quiet, vast nothingness where you know the water to be, until you see a single whitecap in the darkness to put with the sounds and smells that already told you where you were? Hello there, old friend.

Do you ever look off the bluff, peering into the river below, so far down the lights don't reflect in it? Knowing that somewhere down there, between the dense, wildlife filled vegetation and the barely visible low bank on the other side,  the rushing water flows, singing as it goes?

Do you ever pause at the bathroom window as you get ready for bed, and watch the streetlight bathe the sweet gum tree and the swing hanging from it, where your children played only hours earlier, in dim light? How many hours has it been now? The delicious night time has pulled me in with the promise of miracles and mystery.

Do you ever feel the pull to go out and be surrounded by the darkness, instead settling for the coolness of night, from the rocking chair on the front porch?

Do you ever study the shadowy features of the person sleeping beside you, wondering at the peace enveloping the room, and the soft beauty of their face?

No? Just me? A quiet, sleepy house beckons, promises adventure. Adventure to be found in books, music, or my own uninterrupted thoughts. Until finally I am sleepy enough to close my eyes to the darkness and shadows, continuing the adventure in my dreams.