A Glimpse into My Heart and Life

I wanted to write this blog to encourage and inform. At no point did I think, "Hmm...how can I generate lots of pity and sympathy?" 

About a year and a half ago, Jeremy and I heard the words, "Your daughter has autism". Now, by the time parents hear these words, they probably aren't surprised. We weren't. We knew something was wrong; now we had a name for it, and a direction to go in. I talk about Libby a lot. About how smart, sweet, beautiful and funny she is. I discuss her with teachers, therapists, doctors, on how to move forward. What do we do next? What is best for her in this situation? What I don't discuss much is how it affects the rest of the family. I think for the most part, we have handled it well. I know my older kids have worried at times. They love her so much and are fiercely protective. At times, Samuel will ask deep questions or express his worry. Thoughts too heavy for a 9 year old to deal with. However, if you know my Sam well, you know he is a deep little kid. It is his nature. To pretend it doesn't affect everyone in the house would be naive. We are of course, learning as we go, and trying to keep communication open. I don't want to try to think I know all their or my husband's thoughts, or share them all here, as they aren't mine to share. But I do want to share some of mine. Some of this may be slightly humorous; some of it is very hard to type.

I was a organizational late bloomer. I remember bringing home what we called back then, a book satchel, with papers wadded up, almost unrecognizable in the bottom of it. I vividly remember a friend spending the night with me in middle school, and her fun idea for the night was to clean my room. Here's your sign. As I got older, though, my survival instincts kicked in, and also I began to see how much more peaceful I felt when I had everything done, and everything organized. It is my temperament to "have all my ducks in a row". I prided myself on it. My house stayed clean (like...always. Seriously). I sent everyone in my family birthday cards. I sent out Christmas cards. Then I had children. You know the rest of the story. The more children I added to my household, the more other things I had to start letting go. I still like things a certain way. Ask my kids. So by the time I had three children, things were very different in my life. Obviously. Then came autism. The fact is, as precious as Liberty Rose is, she is also work. Now, I don't mind work. Work is good for us, and our kids are the most important work we'll ever do. But because of her symptoms of autism, she is more high maintenance than even a typical 5 year old girl. In some ways, her behavior is still that of a toddler. We have to think ahead, be proactive. Decide if we are going to take a chance on a meltdown in a restaurant. Spoiler alert: we rarely do. Thank God for drive throughs, and carry out. Plan our activities around who is going to be too tired, and who can stay home. And on it goes. Daily. 

I don't have to tell you parents, that fear concerning our kids is real. And we all know the accuser will come as often as we tolerate it, to tell us we are failing. That we aren't doing a good job. That when it doesn't go well, it's our fault. I don't consider myself a fearful person in general. With a kid with special needs, he has amped up the accusations. "It's probably your fault she is this way." "You aren't doing everything you can to help her. In fact, you're failing the rest of them, too. Your other kids and your husband. Your friends and family. Your church." Most of the time, I am good at telling him to take a hike. But to be really gut level honest, there have moments when my daughter wasn't the one melting down. 

It's natural to worry. What if she doesn't get better? Who will care for her when we're gone? How will I balance it all? And so on. I know some of you know what I'm talking about. But can I tell you, we serve a God who loves our kids so much more than we do. When the accusations come....when the worry comes...when the exhaustion comes....He is there. He is our shield. Our defense. Our strong tower. He is our Daddy who loves us, and carries us when we're too tired to walk. He is our healer. Something I stand on every. Single. Day. 

I covet your prayers. Life giving prayers. Know that if I ever, even like once every 6 months...call, text, FB message, etc. you are important to me. (And if I don't, it doesn't mean you aren't.) I just simply don't have the emotional energy to be the friend I used to be. My heart still feels the same, but my body and my brain are filled with caring for my family. But His grace is sufficient. (Also, if you are extremely negative, I may be taking a step back. I have too much at stake, too much to believe for, to allow that kind of thing into my environment.)

In closing, I'd like to say I don't refer to myself an austim mom, or a special needs mom, or to Libby as an autistic child. (If you word it that way, I don't take offense.) I have a daughter who has autism. She has special needs. But autism is not our identity. It is not what Father God calls us. We are simply Amber and Liberty, with destinies and callings to fulfill. 

Love and Peace,

Amber

The Great Equalizer

I have some really close, wonderful friends. And family members I choose to be friends with, as well. People I have met through school, church, work, living next door to. I have a big circle. And whether your circle is big or small, that's ok. But what I want to talk about is how we can isolate ourselves from people, whether they are in or outside of our circle. And we do this based on one thing...we convince ourselves we are alone. No one understands. No one, no matter what his/her trials, is as bad off as we are. We are alone. And it simply isn't true.
I have stood beside friends and loved ones, some literally, some figuratively. Holding them up with my arms, my heart, my words, and my prayers. And they have done the same for me. When their parent got that diagnosis. Cancer. Alzheimers. As they believed for their healing. Sometimes it came, sometimes it didn't. As they care for their parent, the way that parent once cared for them. As they buried a parent way before their time. Then again, losing a parent is ALWAYS way before OUR time, even if they're ready. When their children got that diagnosis. Cancer. Autism. Chronic illness. Some things that don't even have a name, or whose name I can't spell or pronounce. Stood with them as they sought treatment. As their exhausted brains and bodies planned the next step of treatment. As they buried those children.Their very hearts. Even as they felt the little life they'd already grown to love cease moving inside their womb. As they watched the man they'd prepared to love for the rest of their life, walk away with no explanation. As the man they'd pledged their life to before God and man, gave up on their marriage. As they walked through hard, rocky places in their marriage, not knowing what the next day would hold. As they watched their loved ones turn to a dependence on a substance, and had to watch helplessly as it tore apart the lives of that person, and everyone they loved. Or maybe even they had to watch as they did it to themselves. I've also stood by them as they fought their way back from that dark pit.
My point is not to focus on the horrible things that happen to people. But to point out that there is no one you know, who hasn't faced heartbreak. To say they are handling it differently than we would, whether better or worse, or that they wouldn't understand. When we judge them, or hide ourselves away. We rob ourselves and them of the deep connection that comes from getting real with someone. We need their strength and they need ours. And the Jesus that carried them through it? He carries you. He carries us. He strengthens us, made us overcomers. Called us overcomers way before we felt like we were one. He made us for relationship. Don't hide away, convinced your problems are bigger. Don't judge or fear judgment. Just love and trust. Support and lift up. Pray. We need each other.

Remain in the Vine

Most of us at some point have said these words: I am not creative. Sometimes I think we have put creativity in a box, and think if we can't do this thing or that thing, then we aren't creative. Sometimes I think we just really don't understand what we're capable of, even in our areas of talent or interest. God is a creative God. He created us in His image. So, simply put, if He is creative...we are. 

What are some areas of creativity?

music- playing an instrument or singing, composing, arranging

writing

drawing

painting

acting

sewing

cooking

photography

What about this one? Creative solutions to problems/challenges

And my God will meet ALL your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus. Phillipians 4:19

Not just monetary needs. Food, clothing, shelter. ALL our needs. That thing you've worried about and lost sleep over? God has your solution. Sometimes He steps in and performs an immediate miracle. Sometimes, His solution is to use us. And He has it all planned out. We just need to trust and stay connected to our Father. And remember, He is working things out in you, that you  may not understand right now. That you may not can see how He will use it for His glory and your good. Growing things inside you, that He put there when He formed you in your mother's womb. Those talents, passions, desires, gifts, all working together, under His anointing. When you feel not good enough, remember you don't have to be. He is, and He lives in you.

Remain in me, as I also remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me. John 15:4

Creativity takes courage. Henry Matisse

Listening to this song, and worshipping in church one Sunday morning, I was struck by how during worship, we aren't just worshipping some distant God, sitting on his throne, indifferent to us. He is listening, soaking it in, actively loving us back. He is pouring His spirit out on us. Falling fresh again, just like in the song. And in His presence, in His anointing, is everything we need. Healing, deliverance, love, comfort, strength, joy, and....creativity. It's all there. Every. Thing. We. Need. Remain in Him. 

The Great Exchange

Matthew 11:29-30The Message (MSG)

28-30 “Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.”

I think most of us arrive at a place at some point in our lives where we are, in the words of Tamela Mann, "All churched out". Some of us get hurt; some of us get burned out; sometimes life happens, and we can't figure out how to get back to where we were, or what our new normal is, and how church fits into all that. Most of us also know what the Bible says about not forsaking the assembly, and probably know a 1000 opinions of others about why or what that means exactly. I can only tell my personal experience. 

In the last few years, life has gotten exceedingly complicated for my family. Things we took for granted, things we never saw coming...came. However, in the midst of that, I know God like I've never known Him. I feel His presence, know His joy. Like the Hillsong song, Soon, says..."Though I have not seen Him, my heart knows Him well." 

God can meet me anywhere. It doesn't have to be church. And as the good Southern saying goes, "Going to church doesn't make you a Christian, any more than sleeping in the garage makes you a car." But let me encourage you: find your people. Some of your people may not go to your church, and that's fine. But find your church people. Find your place. 

Last Sunday, I didn't really want to go to church. It wasn't that I didn't want to worship with my church family, or hear His word together. I was just tired. Sometimes you are just bone tired. Physically and emotionally tired. Sometimes you don't want to get up early on a weekend and put on real clothes and interact with actual people you don't live with. But in obedience and understanding how important it is to have your kids consistently in church, I put my "foo foo" on, as Pastor Doc always said, and went to church. And as I walked into the sanctuary, where worship had already begun, and His presence was thick...I felt as if I lay down and pulled a warm cozy blanket up over myself. A blanket of warmth, peace, comfort...home. In that moment, I heard an invitation to exchange my exhaustion, my woundedness, my insecurities about other people, for peace and joy. You may have to make that exchange once, or it may be a daily decision. But how worth it, it is. Love Him; love His people, especially the ones He put you in covenant and relationship with; love everyone else. And in the imperfection and authenticity, let them love you.