"If we are faithless, He remains faithful, for He cannot deny Himself." 2 Timothy 2:13
This post is going to be a bit more vulnerable than I am accustomed to, or comfortable with. However, I feel it needs to be said, and I hope it helps someone. Most Christians know the talk. "No one is perfect." We know that we can never measure up to God, and that's ok. We pretend to be grace filled, toward ourselves and others. But there's a nagging sense that we are supposed to have it all together, and if we don't, then we are a lesser Christian. Less loved. Less important. Not as "good". No matter how much we learn about grace, we fall into a mindset of "If I can have more faith..". "If I can believe harder." "If I can do more." The truth is, a lot of it is a choice. I can choose faith filled words and actions when it looks like all hell is breaking loose. And it is important to choose faith. To choose joy. To be positive. To speak the Word. To surround ourselves with encouragers. To choose worship. But if we are really honest with ourselves, there are times when we have nothing to offer. Nothing to give. When even our brokenness is too heavy to lift heavenward. I'm reminded of the old Footprints poem. You know that one, your granny probably had it on a plaque in her living room. And it's a comforting thought, and pretty, and at some point, maybe it started to sound a little cliché. But how true it is. That when we couldn't walk, He carried us. 2016 has been a difficult, challenging year in many ways, more ways than I can even try to articulate at this moment. The worst of any of it was the two day period where we lost Jeremy's grandmother and cousin, then the next week, the two week period where we drove almost a thousand miles to attend two funerals. Our grief met the heartache of wanting to take the grief of our loved ones, and not being able to. The night I got the call about Jeremy's cousin, Jesse, was the worst of all of it. He was young, handsome, funny, a loving father and husband. I was completely numb for a little while. I decided to take a shower and when I got in, the tears started and wouldn't stop. I showered, and cried, and then decided to clean the shower while I was in it. And cried some more. Jeremy was with his family that weekend, with spotty cell service. My sister was my rock. I told her about the shower incident, and what she said was so simple, but so profound. "And God was there with you." After that week was up, I looked back on the events and was amazed that we made it through. That I was still a halfway decent mother. That we survived and actually ate and bathed. And I saw God's grace, mercy and faithfulness in it all.
Another time in my life, I can see this so plainly, is the period after I lost my dad. I went into a full blown depression, although I didn't recognize at the time that that's what was going on. I couldn't figure out why I couldn't be happy. Considered breaking off my engagement to Jeremy. Wondered if I should change my major or maybe the old "take a semester off". All of those would have been disastrous. But when I couldn't pull up one bit of good sense of my own, or even conscious faith that God would help me, deliver me....somewhere deep inside Wisdom said, "Hold on. This isn't it. Stay the course." I can look back on that time and see how God was working in my life. I can look back on this year, and see so many things God was doing, and I know He isn't finished. So the thing is this......God is here. He is faithful. Yes, I should do all the things I know to do, what the Word tells me to do. But when I can't...He can. He is still there. Still loving me. Still my ever present help in my time of trouble, even when I can't even form the words to ask for help. He knows what I need before I ask. And He is so, so faithful.
