A Map, Some Ducks, and a Pawpaw

It seems my almost 5 year old son has figured out to get the most mileage out of his cuteness possible. Yesterday, he drew a map, and told me it was how to get to a duckpond to feed the ducks. I caught on quickly, (don't let the messy hair and baby snot and baby food stained sweats fool you) and asked him if that's where we should go when I picked him up from preschool today. He very emphatically said yes, so today we loaded up the car with drinks (for us), stale chips and crackers (for the ducks), and headed out. First I surprised the kids with a stop to Little Caesar's, where I paid for a Hot and Ready entirely in change. They were glad to have the change, they assured me. We went to Spring Park, ate lunch, and fed the ducks. We also begrudgingly fed the obnoxious, overbearing geese.
My to do list was a mile long today, and we needed to be getting some schooling done. However, it was a beautiful day, and sitting out in the sun and wind holding my baby girl, while the other two played and had the best time, really made my day. Amazingly enough, we still got all the schoolwork done, as well as some of the things on my personal list. A break really does make you more productive.
I like observing people at the park. I noticed with sadness the little boy playing with my kids, whose parent only watched from the car, instead of engaging him. I watched with joy the grandfather playing with his two small granddaughters. A two year old, and a four year old I would guess. At first glance, as he was bent over talking to one of them, with a cigarette in his mouth, I first thought, "He shouldn't be doing that so close to those girls." He was obviously a farmer, or construction worker, etc. I know this by the varying degrees of color on his exposed parts. His legs were the lightest. The back of his neck was the darkest. My family is full of such tans. :) But then I saw him walking around the park proudly displaying a monogrammed bag covered in neon peace signs, playing with those girls, talking to them, stooping often to wipe the smallest one's nose, and I thought, "You know, you just can't judge people. You never know." He was the sweetest grandpa. Anyway, he made me smile, and we just had a wonderful day. Wanted to share.

Are You Mad?

Sometimes as hard as we think we're trying to not let it happen, it happens anyway. Our emotions get the best of us. I'm not typically an overly emotional person. You won't see me happy one minute, then one event or word pushing me over the edge of Tearsandsnot Falls. Rather for me, it is one small thing at a time. Fear works its way in. Anger gets a foot hold. We can be prideful and think "I'm not  a fearful person." We can think we know all about those negative emotions, and that as Christians we know how we are to respond. But when they sneak in slowly, we can be taken by surprise. Anger is an especially sneaky little devil. We can think we have a right to be angry, and there is such a thing as righteous anger. However, even righteous anger needs to be given to God. Someone hurt someone you love. Took advantage of someone's weakness. It is good to be a champion of people. Maybe the condition of our great nation scares or angers you. It's good to be informed and concerned, and to act. But to be obsessed? No. I had to turn off the talk radio because it so negatively affected my emotions. I have found out a lot of my "righteous anger" comes from people I care about behaving foolishly. I worry about them (fear), then become angry at them, out of love, of course. Then the anger can start to take over to the point where I find it hard to love them, to pray for them. The other day, I was praying and asked God "HOW do I love them and not be angry with them?". I was listening to Bethel, and the song that was playing is the spontaneous worship by Brian and Jenn Johnson. The very next thing I heard after asking that question was the line "This is all about You." I thought to myself, "Oh yeah...that's how. I put my focus on You, Lord. It's not about me. It's about You." What a wonderful God that empowers us to love when love is hard.
Today I was out walking and praying, and Psalm 91:1 kept going through my mind, as if on a loop. "Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty." I definitely believe that God protects me physically, but how wonderful that he protects all of me. My mind, body and spirit. He protects me from the effects of negative emotions by teaching me to look to Him. You have to be really close to someone to be in their shadow.  If I willingly place myself in His shelter, living under His protection, then I can rest in His shadow. How awesome to be in the shadow of the Almighty God.

Grace for All

I have been thinking about grace a lot lately. Sometimes I self pityingly think about the lack of grace shown to me by others. Of course, I believe in God's grace. I am saved by grace. But honestly, how much grace do I show others? Maybe to my favorites, to family members and friends that don't mess up all that much (at least in my mind), I show grace. But what about those that need it the most? Those that continually make a mess of things? Those that continually offend others, especially me? Those that continually let others down, and have absolutely nothing to give? Do I show them grace? Love confronts. We are to speak the truth in love. It makes healthier relationships and can turn people away from life's dead ends. However, if we do these things and they aren't seasoned with grace, are we really doing any good? Is there actually any love in it, if there is no grace to be found? What exactly does grace look like? Of course, it doesn't mean that we excuse bad behavior. However, I get the feeling it looks much more like Jesus, than Amber's school of hard knocks and judgment. Just some hard questions I am asking myself.

My Non-Advice to Mothers Everywhere

I have many young ladies whom I love, whom I have had the privilege of seeing enter into the best profession one can have: Momma. I have a policy about giving other moms advice. I only have one piece of advice. It's this: ignore most all advice you receive about being a mom. I realize that just by continuing this blog, I may go against my own policy, but it needs to be said. To all moms, new, young, expectant, or even those who have been doing this for a while and need fresh perspective:
We are human. Sometimes we need help. We don't know all the answers. However, don't post a FB status asking what the best so and so is. You will get 536 different answers. Think of a few people you know and trust. People that don't look like they're messing it up too horribly. PM or call them. Read. Read. Read. Research for yourself. Pray. A lot. The fact is, there are so many options for moms in every area of parenting, and EVERYONE has an opinion about those options. Even the ones they haven't tried. It's a strange thing, how someone can be the quietest, unassuming person in the world, but once you mention pregnancy or childrearing, they absolutely know it all. For a new mom, this is overwhelming at best, and downright annoying at worst. (Disclaimer: I did post on FB the other day about my baby's reflux, and got some really good answers. Thanks friends. :))
The best thing you can do for your marriage and your parent/child relationships is set boundaries. Know what you believe. Pray for wisdom continually.
If you just got the baby to sleep, and Granny drops in for a visit and asks you to wake the baby...say no.
If you take your child to the doctor, and something inside doesn't feel right about the treatment he/she prescribes...say no.
If your in-laws plan their 3rd Christmas celebration in as many days, you're exhausted and your kids haven't even gotten to play with their new loot...say no.
If your neighbor/friend/coworker/family member (even your mother)/postman says why you should/shouldn't breastfeed/bottle feed, sleep train/cosleep, homeschool/send your kid to public school/send your kid to private school, give them cereal at 6 weeks/hold off on food until 6 months, let them cry it out/attend to them, vaccinate/not vaccinate, spank/not spank, tv/no tv, and the list goes on and on and on....know what you believe. Do the research yourself, ask your trusted (small) inner circle, pray for wisdom and for your steps to be ordered, and be prepared to defend your decisions to the naysayers...but know you don't have to defend them to anyone. Not even to me.

Serenity

As most of you know, I homeschool my daughter. We sort of had our thing going, when a certain little cute bundle of joy interrupted our lives. Actually, for the last few years, there has been some kind of upset in my little world. Lauren and I homeschooled blissfully for the first part of first grade, then I took on two more students, and that proved to be a challenge. Last year, I was pregnant for most of her school year, and it was a difficult and exhausting pregnancy. This year, we have our sweet baby girl with big brown eyes. She brings so much joy, but can also be the cause of much exhaustion and the partial cause of much stress. Babies do that. Anyway, it seems for the last several years, I have been trying to get myself on some kind of schedule. I do not like schedules. I am pretty organized, and self disciplined in many areas, but if I try to put myself on any kind of schedule, every ounce of my being rebels. So for the last few weeks, I have been thinking: I need more time with God. I need time to exercise. I wish school didn't take so long. Nobody schools as long as we do (granted, we take a lot of breaks). I wish my house was cleaner. I wish we had the money and time to really eat like we'd like to eat.  And the list goes on. I started thinking about a plaque that hung in my aunt's kitchen from at least the time I was alive until the time she wasn't. It was the serenity prayer, with sunflowers or something on it. Something very seventies. Most of you know the serenity prayer, but just in case, here it is:
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.
It's a good prayer. There are things in my life I can change, like making time for exercise. There are things in my life I can't (or won't) change, like the fact that children live in my house. There are several things that need change, but I realized after much pondering today, that the single biggest thing that needs change, is ME. I can take responsibility for that, but thankfully the bulk of that job falls to God. And the more time I spend with Him, the more like Him I become. The better my attitude is. The more content I am. The more equipped I am to take on the challenges of being me day to day.
 But godliness with contentment is great gain. 1 Timothy 6:6
But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Matthew 6:33

People Before Tasks

Every time I hear the story of Jesus with Mary and Martha read, told or referred to, I cringe. I do this because I know I'm a "Martha". I'm task oriented, versus people oriented. I get things done, but the people around me may feel neglected or swept aside. These days the "people around me" happen to be my children. Even though I homeschool, each subject, project, or assignment can turn into something to be marked off the to-do list. Today, my day started with taking Sam to preschool, then running errands. By the time I got home, very little school work was done before it was time to pick Sam up. We had to eat lunch, and with every domestic chore, or interruption (usually by a certain 4 month old), we got further and further behind. I will say that we finished, with the exception of some reading I wanted to do. We do quite a bit of reading each day, and we did do some today. I don't have a strict schedule, but I do try to keep things moving along and utilize our time wisely, in the midst of caring for a home, a young child and an infant. Not to mention caring for Lauren's whole self, not just the parts of her that need to be educated.
Today, in between subjects, in the middle of making  a bottle for Libby, Lauren came to me and said, "I want to snuggle." Now, part of me is thrilled that my 8 year old still wants to snuggle, and that she feels secure enough to voice her needs. The task master in me sort of groaned inwardly and thought about all we had left to do. However, I smiled and said, "Ok. Let me fix this bottle for Libby, and you can sit with us while I feed it to her." I sat in the recliner and held both my girls, talking and laughing, enjoying. She didn't sit there for a very long time, but she got what she needed.
Later on, Sam was carrying around a little nerf ball, asking Lauren to play with him. She was busy. He hung his head and said "No one will play ball with me." I wondered why he didn't ask me. I wasn't sure I really wanted to know the answer to that. So tonight, after all the work was done, before his dad put him in the bathtub, I said, "Sam, get your ball. I'll play with you." His face lit up. "Thank you, Mommy!". I held and nursed Libby (and shielded her from the ball) with my left arm, and played short distance catch with Sam.  He lost interest fairly quickly, but was happy. My children really require so much and so little of me, all at the same time. I want to be Mary when I grow up.

So Many Concerns

All the responses to a recent FB post asking for advice about how to stop spit up (my 4 year old son suggested a barf bag..for my 4 month old), caused relief, panic, depression, interest, enlightenment, and plain old dejection all at the same time. As moms, do we ever really get it right? There is the totally organic, natural approach to everything, "you're not going to feed them that, are you?" crowd, the "eh, it won't kill'em, we turned out all right" crowd, and everything in between. I am pretty sure that with my beliefs, opinions, and/or practices involving religion, politics, health, and education, there is enough material there to alienate myself from almost everyone; but now I have to be worried about, among other things, arsenic in rice cereal, baby formula in general, antacids, etc.
While I'm on this topic, the other day I read an article about quarternium in health care products, especially baby shampoo. Within one second I had these two thoughts: "I have to stop using that now!! Libby could get leukemia!" and "Eh, millions of babies around the world have used that stuff, and turned out fine." Let's don't even get started on artificial colors, petroleum, parabens, sulphates, and pretty much anything ending in -ide and -ate.
I guess the bottom line is this: I can read and research, pray and ask God for wisdom, and then walk in the light He gives me. As a Christian, there is no room for panic or fear. In my budget, there is no room for extremism. He is good. It's all good.