Boundaries

     Boundaries. A word we hear a lot, but maybe aren't sure what it really means or how to implement it in our own lives. Maybe you aren't even sure we should. Let me answer that for you. Yes. You should. 

    Early in my marriage, our church held a Sunday School class about boundaries. Our "text" book was Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. I was in my early 20s and had never in my life heard any of the information in that book. I joked with friends that I didn't think boundaries were invented until the 90s. I never realized before that "No" was a word I could use at my discretion. It was so freeing, that I began to use it often and maybe even constantly. Then I realized maybe I was going overboard, so I began to ask God to show me when to say yes and when to say no.  Obviously, I'm no expert. But I'd like to share a few things I've learned in the last 20+ years. 

    The people who are, indeed, experts, tell us that enabling others isn't love. It feels like love. It feels like doing the right thing. Helping others is what God wants us to do, right? Especially family and close friends. Not so fast. Doing for others what they should be doing for themselves isn't love. It teaches that person that we don't believe in them. It teaches them not to believe in themselves. 

    There are several different reasons people can't, or refuse to, set boundaries. Most of the time, it goes back to a time in childhood when they felt powerless to say no. False responsibility was put on that person. As adults, when we should know better, powerful and visceral emotions override our common sense and will to do right. As we grow up, we add our own wrong thinking to the things we were taught. Many times, there is a pay off of sorts to the enabler. They feel a sense of power when they "help" others. They are so steeped in fear, they believe they can control the outcome, by manipulating the circumstances, however they can. But we can never make right choices for other people. They have to do it themselves. In order to truly love others, we have to love ourselves enough to be emotionally healthy so when people do truly need us, we are able to be there. When the squeaky wheels in our lives, the ones we are codependent with get all our energy, other loveds ones, and ourselves, get the short end of the stick. Trauma bonds can cause blurry or non-existent boundaries. Just because you went through something hard with someone, or the same hard thing as someone else, doesn't make you the expert who has to step in when they don't take responsibility. Sometimes our boundary issues can come from others who have the same issues. Sometimes a person who has made it their mission to enable someone, will enlist you to help them enable that person. When you refuse, they will attempt to make you feel guilty. People who won't set boundaries, or feel powerless to, will resent you when you do. 

    Marriage is a separate issue I'd like to mention. Sometimes becoming one flesh looks an awful lot like enmeshment to some people. Becoming one simply means that a husband and wife have different strengths and weaknesses that complement and help make up for the lack in the other. It does not mean that one partner dominates the other until who they really are is squelched. 

    Since as I mentioned, I'm not the expert, I'd like to point you to some folks who are. Henry Cloud has written many books on boundaries, several of them along with John Townsend. I highly recommend reading Safe People to find out if you are one, and how to deal with those who aren't. Danny Silk, part of the Bethel Ministry in Redding, CA, is also great. You can follow these guys on social media, read their books, and visit their websites. They are all three wise, Christian men. Another great book is Codependent No More by Melodie Beattie. Hope this helps someone.